Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.