Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sliding into dms like

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Hey I worked for it too!

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted