Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.