Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My boss called in sick of me
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.