Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Emma is smarter than all of us.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.