Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

just gave your address to some spiders

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.