Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself