Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

welp

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present