Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

I put the h in mysterious.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

yea so i messed up lol

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

damn he’s good

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

My dad.

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building