Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

The Others (2001)

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively