You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.