Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.