Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
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Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.