@shadonium

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

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@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@djr_102

Spice up your Facebook timeline when someone’s status turns to “It’s complicated” by posting “thanks for last night” underneath it.

@Jenn_H_Scott

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

@salamingia

A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@CerebralWreck

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.