Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok