Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*![]()
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.