Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.