Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.