Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.