Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Genius.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”