Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling