Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.![]()
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.