HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
You Might Also Like
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.