Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.