Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
You Might Also Like
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.