Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
everyone has that one prude friend
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
😅🤣😂
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet