Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?