Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME