Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.