Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.