Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Finally
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq