Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Bobby pin

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG