Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
This raises questions
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.