Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Facebook marketplace is a different world

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”