her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?