Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories