Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

The pen is writier than the sword.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?