Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
You Might Also Like
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.