Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
guys I’m going home
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants