Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
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Me when I try to be useful
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?