Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?