Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

The big book of baby names but for safe words

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Happy Friday

Tastes like chicken.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5