HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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There is wisdom there.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.