HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
You Might Also Like
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Good morning.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.