HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
HOW DARE YOU
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Not with that attitude
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
This headline is a thing of beauty
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination