Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band