Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?