Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.