Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I love it all
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
