Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Customer is always right

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Monday Lisa

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

I am having an out of money experience.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*