Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.