HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
These work great until they don’t.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories