Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You know…for fall…
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.