Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

get you a girl who

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

From Facebook just now…

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.