Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
i was baptized in a car wash
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time