Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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Dance like you’re not the father
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
How dude HOW?!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The booster protects against what, now?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.