Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

This is a bad sign

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me