Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!