Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Windows

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

😆

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.