Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish