Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Jail

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over