Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes