Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

☠️ ☠️

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over