Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Pickled cat.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*