Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

how high up are we talkin’?

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*