Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*