Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*3.5 thank you very much.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.