Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

oppen heimer style lol

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.