Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Try and stop me.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks