Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️