Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Ok who’s got my black socks?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.