Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.