Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

#merica

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

me when somebody idk start touching me

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early