Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The answer is funnier than the question
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…