Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Labreador