Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.