Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
🤣🤣🤣
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”